Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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