Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
