My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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