He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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