Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
