I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
