Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
