dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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