Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
