I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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