When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
