This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
