matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
