i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
