My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
