i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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