dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Houston, we have a squirter
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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