allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
