YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
