I like to think it a success when the cops are called
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
