she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
