apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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