i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
