fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
