Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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