I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize