Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
