On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
