I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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