I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
