just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
