fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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