My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
