Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
