Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
