I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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