saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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