apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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