I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
