I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
