i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just found a bag of teeth...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
