The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
