Me too!
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
