Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Houston, we have a blender
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I think your dad took our porno
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
