just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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