in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
