someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
