If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
