so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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