I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
